She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
