TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
