I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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