I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
