Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
