Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Randomize
