My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
