I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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