Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
