obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
