My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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