We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
