I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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