My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
