D3 body, D1 cock
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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