found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
