i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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