I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
