I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
