so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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