What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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