She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
