you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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