i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
