You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
