i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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