normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
