you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
