You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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