in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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