and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
