Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
