Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
