his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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