3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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