I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
