You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
