I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
