What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
my liver is dry heaving
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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