The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
