my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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