she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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