Soap is not a condiment
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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