I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
