My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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