I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
