dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
