you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
