god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
