Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
